im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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