my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
