We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
