I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
