I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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