wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
