I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
