Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
