she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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