I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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