I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
