so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
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