I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
how drunk are you?
Several
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
