i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i think i have two assholes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
