hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
