I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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