Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
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Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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