My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
