these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
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I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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