i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
