I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
