Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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