we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
