my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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