I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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