I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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