i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
