Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
