Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
