I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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