The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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