wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
