Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
