Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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