just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
