they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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