we're chasing vodka with high fives
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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