I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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