I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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