goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
