so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
