Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
