My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
