Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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