he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
