Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
