the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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