I think im going to throw up on grandma
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
