If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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