I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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