how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
