I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
