he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
