Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
