I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
